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Moritz Volz |
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He-Man. That’s what I got lumbered with when I first arrived at Arsenal as a 16-year-old
trainee. Something to do with my unusually developed body, I assume. But if it hadn’t
been that, it would have been something else because nicknames are as much a part
of dressing-room culture as boots and balls. I didn’t get “Volzy” until I signed
for Fulham and in Germany I was always “Mo”. Short and efficient, just the way we
like things back home. When Jan Koller was at Borussia Dortmund his nickname was
“Lange”, which simply means “Long”. We don’t mess about in the Motherland.
But while nicknames are part of football the world over, in England they do tend
to follow certain rules and generally – as in my case – involve little more than
the addition of a “y” to a surname. Bridgey, Coley, Giggsy, Scholesy – the list
is endless.
The common alternative is to use the first syllable of the surname and then just
stick an “s” on the end – Lamps, Curbs, Shilts etc. I was playing right back in
a preseason Fulham game in Hong Kong last summer and had new signing John Pantsil
alongside me in the middle. Now, he can’t possibly be called “Pantsily” as it just
doesn’t work. But I’ve got to say, yelling “Pants” at him whenever he had the ball
was a constant source of amusement.
Of course, lookalikes are always fertile ground for nicknames in any dressing-room,
which is why Jimmy Bullard has had to endure “Mrs Doubtfire” and “Maggie” (Thatcher
– come on, don’t tell me you’ve never noticed?) alongside the more predictable “Bully”.
Football’s favourite comedy, Only Fools & Horses, always seems to provide
at least one nickname in every dressing-room, too.
I don’t think Tony Warner was called anything other than “Denzil” in his whole time
at Fulham and Edwin van der Sar quite rightly got the “Rodders” shout for obvious
reasons. Most teams have a “Trigger” as well, but this tends to have little to do
with visual similarities, as Jason McAteer will testify from his time at Tranmere
Rovers.
Apparently he was once asked whether he wanted his pizza cut into four or eight
pieces. His reply was that it would have to be four because he wasn’t hungry enough to finish eight. Nice work, Trigger.
But it just shows that you can’t get away with anything at a football club. Not
even poor old Barry Hayles’s stutter was exempt. “Over here B-B-Barry – on me ’ead,
son!”
It’s not just the players who get nicknames, though. At Fulham our kit man was known
by everyone as Pudsey, simply because he used to be the bloke inside the bear costume
on Children In Need.
Now, I was at Fulham for five years and knew Pudsey very well. But to this day I
still don’t have the faintest idea what his actual name is.
We have a guy on the staff at Ipswich called Dick and I just assumed that must be
a nickname because no right-minded parent would give their son a name like that.
So with this whole name thing in mind I asked a couple of the older English players
where it came from, hoping for an interesting story. But they told me it’s just
short for Richard. Eh? Richard? Ten years over here and I never knew that.
That would never be allowed back home – it’s far too illogical. It must be common
in the Netherlands, though, because one of Martin Jol’s two brothers is called Dick
and the other is called Cock. No wonder we haven’t seen those two working in England
. . . Moritz Volz plays for Ipswich Town
Christmas hamper: five top nicknames
1, Diomansy Kamara Known as “Joe” because it’s a lot easier than saying Diomansy.
2, Patrick Vieira Or “Halifax”, at Arsenal, after the guy from the building
society TV ads. He didn’t like it very much.
3, Neil Pointon The former Manchester City and Everton defender was dubbed
“Dissa”. Think about it . . .
4, Fitz Hall The QPR defender was given the name “One Size” when he was at
Oldham. One Size Fitz Hall. Total genius.
5, Kiki Musampa Responded to the name of “Chris” at Manchester City. Chris
Musampa. Oh yes.